I love Monday!

No I really don't. It was a typical busy Monday. First day of the new quarter at work so I didn't know whether I was coming or going. Managed to get my billing in for today but it's only one day. I am still stressed to the max about maybe losing my job. But I am updating my resume and looking at Monster just to be prepared. Best part of the day today was my venti Pumpkin Spice latte from Starbucks. Worst part? An hour later when that latte hit my lactose intolerant system. Oh I am an idiot. I never used to be lactose intolerant. I never used to have allergies. I just need to remember to get it with soy milk that's all!

So some pictures from the last couple of weeks...things that made me smile...a creepy hand,



my yard,



me and my girlies at Brookfield Zoo,




Jayne and Chris looking HOTTER than I have EVER seen them,






my angry chihuahuas after a bath...Chiclet



....and Daisy











That's what I will leave you with!!

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STRESS

Yep, I've got it. I'm terrified of losing my job which could happen in a month. I'm overwhelmed trying to keep this house up and all the bills. I'm trying to find a part time job at night. EEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!!

But anyway, I guess things will work out.

So I finally got my hair cut. 6 inches of it was cut off. It looks pretty good I think! I apologize for the terrible pictures...One with no make up, one with unblended make up!







I have gained weight since Mom died. My thyroid is dying. 3 months ago it was barely working so I'm guessing by now it's officially kicked the bucket. I know that I'm grieving and depressed but this lack of energy and constant tiredness is just not like me at all. But as it happened so close to my mom's death, it's hard to tell if it's just depression or thyroid so I have to have another test done to check it's function.

I just can't get out of this funk I'm in. I suppose it's to be expected but I hate it. I know Mom wouldn't want me mired down in depression and sadness and I'm not all the time, but I just have this underlying sadness. It's only been 6 months so maybe as time goes on things will get better.

The kids are doing pretty good. Mac says she's never been happier since they moved though she's having a hard time dealing with the loss of Grandma. She went through some grief counseling which seemed to help. Michael is doing well too, going to a regular high school which we never thought would be possible. So all in all, life is pretty good.

Three Months

It has now been over three months since my mom died. Three months of firsts. My first birthday without my mom. First Mother's Day without my mom. First trip to another country without my mom to see me off or welcome me back. No Mom here to tell her all about everything on my trip.

It's been hard to get used to. In a way it's harder now than it was when she first died. Now that the shock has worn off, it just feels like okay, enough is enough. I want her back here and I miss her more and more all the time. I have a necklace to put her ashes in but I can't bear to open the box and see them in there yet. So I guess that's just grieving. I suppose it will get better over time. But it is lots of stress and lots of worry and lots of sadness.

So I turned 42 two weeks after my mom died and two weeks after that I flew to London to meet my good friend Dannie that I met online. We went to see Dancing on Ice, the live tour Saturday night, Sunday night, Monday night, and Wednesday night! On Tuesday we took a coach to Notthingham and spent a couple of days there. On Saturday when I left, she wanted to crawl in my suitcase and come with me. Oh and I was in London for Will and Kate's wedding. What a madhouse!

I had a great time in London. It was so wonderful to meet so many people I've only talked to on Twitter! And meeting the people I've loved since I was 15...well that was just surreal. So I wish Mom was here so I could tell her all about it. But I guess she knows.

Here's some pics from my trip. Me and Lou (she's from Ireland and she has a great accent but she liked mine!) doing the Bolero in Bolero Square in Nottingham. Then there's a group photo of all of us, me, Dannie, Steph, Natalie, and Lou on the steps of the building where Torvill and Dean greeted their supporters when they won Olympic gold, then is Westminster Abbey the day before the wedding, the Tower Bridge, and finally, me and Chris.

How Can I Help You to Say Goodbye

Patty Loveless sings a song that makes me cry. Here's the last verse.

Sitting with Mama alone in her bedroom
She opened her eyes, and then squeezed my hand
She said, I have to go now, my time here is over
And with her final word, she tried to help me understand
Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain
Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same

And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry
Come, let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?



Mom died 3 days after my last post. She kept asking for my friend and when she was going to visit. So my friend, Dale, came to visit on Sunday. My mom told her she was a failure because she was leaving us then asked my friend to take care of us. By Sunday night it was clear that she didn't have much time left.

I raced home from work on Monday afternoon and Mom said her last words to me which were "I love you." She died Tuesday afternoon at 3:55 pm. I was baking a pie. Like I do. My sister said "Come check her" so I went in and laid my head against hers and checked her pulse. Her heart beat one more time and she opened her mouth and closed it again. Then she was gone. Knowing it's coming didn't make it any easier. I cried so hard that my tears filled up her ear and spilled out and ran down her neck.



My aunt Gloria arrived a couple minutes after Mom died and she was stroking my hair like Mom would have done. She was very upset and she's a baker too so she went to the kitchen and finished my pie. I think it gave her something to do.

The rest of the week was epically bad, surreal almost. We planned her funeral, put the living room back together, did normal things except they don't feel normal anymore.

I pick up the phone to call her. There's so many things I see that I want to tell her. I miss her more than I can express. And I feel so alone. I have my sister and the kids and the rest of my family. I have friends. But their lives return to normal. Mine is a mess. I want to ask her "Mom, how do I do this?" I have asked her that. So far she hasn't answered. That I can hear anyway. I'm trying to listen with my heart. I know I'll hear the answer.

She was strong. She raised 2 daughters all by herself. I can be strong too. I had a great example in my beautiful mother.

Losing my mother

I haven't posted in a long time. I know this.

It's been rough at my house. Mom had difficulty with the chemo and it just seemed she was in the hospital and we were running all over.

But now that the chemo didn't work and it completely screwed her heart up, we are at the end of this cancer journey.

I was hoping the end of the cancer journey would mean life would go back to normal and Mom would go back to normal but it didn't work out that way. Instead my mother is dying. And I hate this with every fiber of my being.

The cancer isn't killing her. Yes it's growing but she has no tumors at this time. The chemo is killing her. It's gone from her body now. Her hair is growing back. But the damage is done. Her heart is so damaged by the chemo that it can't pump the blood around her body that well. Her oxygen levels are now running in the 70's and 80's. The ONLY good thing about dying from this is she's not in that much pain.

The same can't be said for me. This is by far the MOST painful thing I've ever gone through. I'm terrified and sad and angry all at the same time. And there isn't a thing I can do about it. Nobody knows how much time she has left. A week, 2 weeks, a month, it's unknown.

So for now, I'll just be thankful that she's here next to me...sleeping comfortably. And I'll lose it when she's gone. And then I'll pick up the pieces of myself and move forward. Life moves on. She'll be with me in my heart.

I hate cancer

This last 2 months with my mom being diagnosed with ovarian cancer has been rough. She went through surgery last week and was supposed to be in the hospital 3 days. It turned into 8 days. Her kidneys failed, and she developed some weird heart problem. Then they pumped too many fluids into her and she weighs 35 pounds more than she did when she went into surgery.

Her incision became infected and she has a huge gaping hole in her stomach that has to be packed twice a day for the next two weeks. I swear I could be a nurse after all this! In 3 weeks, she starts chemo so it's going to get pretty bad I would guess. Hopefully all of this will kill the monster inside her. I don't even want to consider any other outcome.

My friend was diagnosed with breast cancer around the same time and will be starting chemo in a couple of weeks. I feel like it's coming at me from all sides. It's all too much sometimes. Lots of stress at work and at home makes me want to run away! But I guess that's not an option. So I just keep muddling through, going on like everything is fine and feeling like I might crack at any moment.